Man Leaves Debit Card at Bar for Narrative Reasons

By David Colton

HELL’S KITCHEN — Kyle Costello wanted to make sure that his coworkers knew that he had a crazy weekend.

According to his recounting of the weekend, which apparently began at 6:30 p.m. on Friday and continued nonstop until he ‘passed out’ Sunday, Kyle was interested in drinking alcoholic beverages as a means of unwinding after a stressful week.

Although a common feat among working humans, post-work drinking can sometimes bring out the worst in people — especially people named Kyle.

“I think it was the second shot that did it,” said Kyle, who has not explained why he hasn’t returned to retrieve his card from Rico’s Basement, “Bro, I was so gone — dude, I fucking snapped Kelsey. Kelsey. Can you believe that?!”

It remains unclear who accompanied Kyle on this strange excursion to the worst bar on the face of the earth.

However, The Gatekeeper was able to get in contact with Kelsey, who confirmed that she received Snapchats from Kyle Friday night.

“So yeah, Kyle sent me some shirtless pictures that were obviously taken in a public bathroom,” said Kelsey, who made out with Kyle at a prom afterparty nine years ago, “I thought I recognized the tile from Rico’s Basement. He’s always like, one of four people at that bar.”

Kelsey was able to confirm that generally speaking, none of the patrons at Rico’s really talk to one another.

As of Monday morning, Kyle’s coworkers confirmed that he left the card at the bar in order to have a topic of conversation when he got into work.

“It’s always something with Kyle,” said Terrance Buns, accounting dept. “Last year he signed a ten-year lease on a studio apartment so he could ‘always have someplace to bone.’”

Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”