Man Leaves Debit Card at Bar for Narrative Reasons

By David Colton

HELL’S KITCHEN — Kyle Costello wanted to make sure that his coworkers knew that he had a crazy weekend.

According to his recounting of the weekend, which apparently began at 6:30 p.m. on Friday and continued nonstop until he ‘passed out’ Sunday, Kyle was interested in drinking alcoholic beverages as a means of unwinding after a stressful week.

Although a common feat among working humans, post-work drinking can sometimes bring out the worst in people — especially people named Kyle.

“I think it was the second shot that did it,” said Kyle, who has not explained why he hasn’t returned to retrieve his card from Rico’s Basement, “Bro, I was so gone — dude, I fucking snapped Kelsey. Kelsey. Can you believe that?!”

It remains unclear who accompanied Kyle on this strange excursion to the worst bar on the face of the earth.

However, The Gatekeeper was able to get in contact with Kelsey, who confirmed that she received Snapchats from Kyle Friday night.

“So yeah, Kyle sent me some shirtless pictures that were obviously taken in a public bathroom,” said Kelsey, who made out with Kyle at a prom afterparty nine years ago, “I thought I recognized the tile from Rico’s Basement. He’s always like, one of four people at that bar.”

Kelsey was able to confirm that generally speaking, none of the patrons at Rico’s really talk to one another.

As of Monday morning, Kyle’s coworkers confirmed that he left the card at the bar in order to have a topic of conversation when he got into work.

“It’s always something with Kyle,” said Terrance Buns, accounting dept. “Last year he signed a ten-year lease on a studio apartment so he could ‘always have someplace to bone.’”

Fraternal Twins Hazed

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI – 20-month-old fraternal twins Brayden and Trayden Cooper amazed partygoers late Saturday night after finishing every single case of warm milk presented to them.

Taking part in a seemingly cruel and archaic hazing ritual, the Cooper twins out-drank every other pledge vying for a coveted spot in the Tau Omega Theta house for the upcoming semester.

“These little dudes are already making me so proud, bruh,” the twins’ father Hayden Cooper said as tears welled up in his eyes. “Cayden already told me he wants to go into finance and Trayden said he plans on gaining fifty pounds in beer weight and sitting in the basement for the next seven years just like his old man.”

Cooper began to cry as he presented his sons with the ceremonial monogrammed Vineyard Vines onesies that have been passed down through every generation since the fraternity’s inception in 1872.

“I’m legally required to say that this fraternity is a non-hazing fraternity,” Cooper said. “These ‘bonding games’ have really bonded us forever. I don’t think I could be their father if they couldn’t chug.”

Cayden and Trayden were unavailable for comment as they are toddlers but seemed excited about their newfound friendships based solely on drinking and salmon-colored shorts.