miami – The Gatekeeper

Beach Shells Announce Retirement to Bowl in Bathroom

April 18, 2019April 18, 2019Posted in LocalTagged bathroom, beach, family dollar, Florida, miami, Miami Beach, retirement, sea shells, shells, toiletLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI BEACH – Permanently relocating to a 1950’s ice cream parlor dish on the windowsill in the bathroom, a small collection of beach shells have announced their much-anticipated retirement.

Local scrapbooker Jenny Lou Bertram facilitated the shells’ retirement by haphazardly collecting them in a used Family Dollar bag on her beach walk early yesterday morning. Instead of the traditional retirement ceremony of being deliberately placed in a beautiful oceanic mosaic, all but two of Bertram’s shells were dropped in the toilet, fished out with a plunger, and poured haphazardly into the bowl where they crumbled on impact.

Experts are expecting the shells to remain on the windowsill in the bathroom until 2024, when Bertram’s grandson is expected to dump the entire bowL into the toilet.

Fraternal Twins Hazed

April 12, 2019April 12, 2019Posted in LocalTagged bid, brother, brotherhood, drinking, frat, fraternal, Greek life, hazed, hazing, miami, pledge, twins, vineyard vinesLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI – 20-month-old fraternal twins Brayden and Trayden Cooper amazed partygoers late Saturday night after finishing every single case of warm milk presented to them.

Taking part in a seemingly cruel and archaic hazing ritual, the Cooper twins out-drank every other pledge vying for a coveted spot in the Tau Omega Theta house for the upcoming semester.

“These little dudes are already making me so proud, bruh,” the twins’ father Hayden Cooper said as tears welled up in his eyes. “Cayden already told me he wants to go into finance and Trayden said he plans on gaining fifty pounds in beer weight and sitting in the basement for the next seven years just like his old man.”

Cooper began to cry as he presented his sons with the ceremonial monogrammed Vineyard Vines onesies that have been passed down through every generation since the fraternity’s inception in 1872.

“I’m legally required to say that this fraternity is a non-hazing fraternity,” Cooper said. “These ‘bonding games’ have really bonded us forever. I don’t think I could be their father if they couldn’t chug.”

Cayden and Trayden were unavailable for comment as they are toddlers but seemed excited about their newfound friendships based solely on drinking and salmon-colored shorts.

Guy Wearing White Oakley’s Probably Knows a Couple People in Miami

November 28, 2016April 4, 2019Posted in Campus, Local, NationalTagged beefy, ed hardy, miami, oakley, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.

“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’

Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.

“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”

After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic, a local club/ cespool.

“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”

After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.