Beach Shells Announce Retirement to Bowl in Bathroom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI BEACH – Permanently relocating to a 1950’s ice cream parlor dish on the windowsill in the bathroom, a small collection of beach shells have announced their much-anticipated retirement.

Local scrapbooker Jenny Lou Bertram facilitated the shells’ retirement by haphazardly collecting them in a used Family Dollar bag on her beach walk early yesterday morning. Instead of the traditional retirement ceremony of being deliberately placed in a beautiful oceanic mosaic, all but two of Bertram’s shells were dropped in the toilet, fished out with a plunger, and poured haphazardly into the bowl where they crumbled on impact.

Experts are expecting the shells to remain on the windowsill in the bathroom until 2024, when Bertram’s grandson is expected to dump the entire bowL into the toilet.