Bluetooth Speaker Not Waterproof, Very Angry Man Finds

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – Local beach personality Brayden Thump was left stunned and enraged Wednesday morning after nonchalantly tossing his brand new Bluetooth speaker to its watery demise.

Thump, a longtime Vineyard vacationer, had just paired his phone to the JBL Flip 3 speaker that he bought yesterday. After attempting to inaugurate his dad’s new Yacht with Post Malone’s “Rockstar” to no avail, Thump tried to throw the speaker to Geoff Sarpe, 19, on a nearby Wave runner.

“It really looked like it would float,” a beet-red Thump told Gatekeeper reporters as his throw came up short and his speaker sank to the bottom of the ocean. “Should I dive after it?”

As Thump spoke, the speaker made a feeble buzzing sound and then completely disintegrated.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Thumper fumed. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t listen to Geoff talk about his banking internship anymore. Fuck.”

Although Thump initially threw the speaker, the blame was immediately shifted towards Sarpe.

“You’re gonna have to tell my dad,” Thump told Sarpe. “He’s gonna be pissed. You know how much he loves listening to Bonnie Rait on this Yacht.”

Although he doesn’t get to the vineyard until Thursday, experts are predicting that Thump’s father, Quentin, is going to “absolutely murder” Sarpe upon arrival.

More to come.

Beach Shells Announce Retirement to Bowl in Bathroom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI BEACH – Permanently relocating to a 1950’s ice cream parlor dish on the windowsill in the bathroom, a small collection of beach shells have announced their much-anticipated retirement.

Local scrapbooker Jenny Lou Bertram facilitated the shells’ retirement by haphazardly collecting them in a used Family Dollar bag on her beach walk early yesterday morning. Instead of the traditional retirement ceremony of being deliberately placed in a beautiful oceanic mosaic, all but two of Bertram’s shells were dropped in the toilet, fished out with a plunger, and poured haphazardly into the bowl where they crumbled on impact.

Experts are expecting the shells to remain on the windowsill in the bathroom until 2024, when Bertram’s grandson is expected to dump the entire bowL into the toilet.