workplace – The Gatekeeper

By David Colton

HELL’S KITCHEN — Kyle Costello wanted to make sure that his coworkers knew that he had a crazy weekend.

According to his recounting of the weekend, which apparently began at 6:30 p.m. on Friday and continued nonstop until he ‘passed out’ Sunday, Kyle was interested in drinking alcoholic beverages as a means of unwinding after a stressful week.

Although a common feat among working humans, post-work drinking can sometimes bring out the worst in people — especially people named Kyle.

“I think it was the second shot that did it,” said Kyle, who has not explained why he hasn’t returned to retrieve his card from Rico’s Basement, “Bro, I was so gone — dude, I fucking snapped Kelsey. Kelsey. Can you believe that?!”

It remains unclear who accompanied Kyle on this strange excursion to the worst bar on the face of the earth.

However, The Gatekeeper was able to get in contact with Kelsey, who confirmed that she received Snapchats from Kyle Friday night.

“So yeah, Kyle sent me some shirtless pictures that were obviously taken in a public bathroom,” said Kelsey, who made out with Kyle at a prom afterparty nine years ago, “I thought I recognized the tile from Rico’s Basement. He’s always like, one of four people at that bar.”

Kelsey was able to confirm that generally speaking, none of the patrons at Rico’s really talk to one another.

As of Monday morning, Kyle’s coworkers confirmed that he left the card at the bar in order to have a topic of conversation when he got into work.

“It’s always something with Kyle,” said Terrance Buns, accounting dept. “Last year he signed a ten-year lease on a studio apartment so he could ‘always have someplace to bone.’”

By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money

Tag: workplace

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