9 Incredible Business Ideas That Are The New York Sock Exchange

By David Colton

  1. The New York Sock Exchange

Just think about the possibilities. We could regulate our currency into a well-woven, fabric-based system that benefits everyone. Riddle me this: Who wants to live a life without socks? Not me, and not most people! Let us expand the potential for the future of feet!

2. The NYSE (New York Sock Exchange)

This is an idea I’ve been really excited to share for some time now. I don’t want to jinx it or anything like that, but I think this could be… big. So get this: You know the New York Stock Exchange? Where they make many phone calls at once and talk about buying and selling money? Picture that, but with socks. I know, right?

3. The Sock Exchange (New York)

So this is a branch off of one of my original ideas, which was a gated community built exclusively and especially for sock enthusiasts, with a full-on recreation center and weekly sock exchanges on Saturday mornings. I got to thinking, where do most sock people live? New York. What do people like to do in New York? Exchange goods. Bingo.

4. The Soque Exchange of New York

This is an urban concept I’ve been toying with since my most recent physiological era. Many unique wonders of the world come together in the transcendent metropolis that is New York, and it is my belief that the fullest potential of that transcendental approximation should be established and appropriated at any cost.

5. The Newark Sock Exchange

So clearly this exchange is a bit smaller and less important than the others, and it’s more of a backseat idea of mine to be honest. But I guess I’ll lay out the basics. Where do I start? It’s your basic everyday sock exchange — mainly whites, but a decent number of neon and brown socks as well. That is, of course, what the region is known for in sock terms,

6. New York Smock Exchange

It’s relatively self-explanatory, but based on some preliminary research we have come to the conclusion that there is a market for a well-regulated smock network that would play host to some consumers with seriously deep pockets.

7. Socke Exchange of Olde Yorke

A wee town of cobblers in upstate New York would likely appreciate this conceptual medieval exchange market. This exchange would be similar to the olympic village in a lot of ways, except set in the year 1568. A full-on resort would be based around the daily exchange, which of course exclusively involved knittings of the towne children.

8. New York State of Socks (Exchange)

I wrote and recorded the first demos of this single over two years ago, but it still hasn’t hit the light of day. My manager says he’s still shopping it around to all of the biggest agents, but he’s still looking for the best job for me. I think he’s just hitting on me. My song is a hit.

9. Socks 4 Gold

Funny story, the first time I ever realized that socks would be the ideal universal currency for all of humanity was actually because I passed one of those “Cash 4 Gold” places on Broadway and I realized ‘cash? Who the heck wants cash? They should do Socks 4 Gold instead.’ So I feel like once we establish the whole ‘socks are the new currency’ thing this could definitely turn out to be a worthy business venture.

New Airpods Extend Into Jawline Beard

By David Colton

BUSHWICK — Following several consecutive letdowns at the Apple’s Annual Keynote Conference, the massive corporation finally delivered this year with a revolutionary upgrade to the company’s signature Airpods.

The newest model will extend fully and directly into an over-sculpted jawline beard, and will sometimes even feature a full scoop of hair gel and a thin gold chain worn over a t-shirt to go along with it.

“The move is expected to even further increase Airpod use among guys named ‘Brett,’ which is something once thought scientifically impossible,” said Dr. Moises Tinkle, an expert on the matter.

Scientists around the globe have been baffled at the rapid rise of douchebaggery — and in particular, its direct correlation with the rise of the little Bluetooth headphones that create beards.

The trend, which has accelerated at paces once thought literally impossible, has created an ideal market for Yankees fans and finance majors everywhere.

Apple CEO Tim Cook weighed in on the rise of his newest accessory.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, bro?  

Whiteboard Privileges Abused

By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money