New Airpods Extend Into Jawline Beard

By David Colton

BUSHWICK — Following several consecutive letdowns at the Apple’s Annual Keynote Conference, the massive corporation finally delivered this year with a revolutionary upgrade to the company’s signature Airpods.

The newest model will extend fully and directly into an over-sculpted jawline beard, and will sometimes even feature a full scoop of hair gel and a thin gold chain worn over a t-shirt to go along with it.

“The move is expected to even further increase Airpod use among guys named ‘Brett,’ which is something once thought scientifically impossible,” said Dr. Moises Tinkle, an expert on the matter.

Scientists around the globe have been baffled at the rapid rise of douchebaggery — and in particular, its direct correlation with the rise of the little Bluetooth headphones that create beards.

The trend, which has accelerated at paces once thought literally impossible, has created an ideal market for Yankees fans and finance majors everywhere.

Apple CEO Tim Cook weighed in on the rise of his newest accessory.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, bro?  

Man wearing beanie indoors claims he’s never smoked a cigarette


By David Colton

COFFEEZONE—After ordering an “extra black” coffee and adjusting his scarf, local jean-ripper and people-judger Breton Polish declared that he has never smoked a cigarette.

“Listen, I care about my health,” said Polish, who was drinking a Guinness at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, “I wouldn’t poison this temple with cigarettes.”

Despite his declaration, other CoffeeZone patrons say he took a cigarette break “literally one minute ago.”

“If you’re talking cigarettes, no, I’ve never had one,” said Polish, “but I must say, tobacco rolls are my new favorite treat.”

After several failed attempts to explain that American Spirits still count as cigarettes, Polish finally went outside for a cigarette break.