Area Man Just Can’t Take Death of Succulent Right Now

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — As the country enters either day 7,8 or 9 of what has essentially become a nationwide quarantine, things are turning dire in the Sculpin household.

As his shelves sat empty and his toilet paper supply dwindled, little Marty Sculpin sat with his head in his hands, unsure of how he was going to force himself through another 20-minute episode of ‘Love Island.’ That was five minutes before he lost his most prized possession.

“This could not have come at a worse time,” said Marty Sculpin, speaking from the fetal position, “what with the stock market and airlines being in so much trouble.”

Sculpin, speaking there just seconds after the loss of his pride and joy, was referring to the succulent he purchased at the farmer’s market two weeks ago.

Experts say it’s a miracle the plant made it this long.

“To be frank, the conditions Marty Sculpin is living in are not fit for a human being, let alone a succulent,” said Dr. Vertigo Polongo, plant expert, “Although it is sad we just can’t say we’re surprised.”

Jared was 2 weeks old.

9 Incredible Business Ideas That Are The New York Sock Exchange

By David Colton

  1. The New York Sock Exchange

Just think about the possibilities. We could regulate our currency into a well-woven, fabric-based system that benefits everyone. Riddle me this: Who wants to live a life without socks? Not me, and not most people! Let us expand the potential for the future of feet!

2. The NYSE (New York Sock Exchange)

This is an idea I’ve been really excited to share for some time now. I don’t want to jinx it or anything like that, but I think this could be… big. So get this: You know the New York Stock Exchange? Where they make many phone calls at once and talk about buying and selling money? Picture that, but with socks. I know, right?

3. The Sock Exchange (New York)

So this is a branch off of one of my original ideas, which was a gated community built exclusively and especially for sock enthusiasts, with a full-on recreation center and weekly sock exchanges on Saturday mornings. I got to thinking, where do most sock people live? New York. What do people like to do in New York? Exchange goods. Bingo.

4. The Soque Exchange of New York

This is an urban concept I’ve been toying with since my most recent physiological era. Many unique wonders of the world come together in the transcendent metropolis that is New York, and it is my belief that the fullest potential of that transcendental approximation should be established and appropriated at any cost.

5. The Newark Sock Exchange

So clearly this exchange is a bit smaller and less important than the others, and it’s more of a backseat idea of mine to be honest. But I guess I’ll lay out the basics. Where do I start? It’s your basic everyday sock exchange — mainly whites, but a decent number of neon and brown socks as well. That is, of course, what the region is known for in sock terms,

6. New York Smock Exchange

It’s relatively self-explanatory, but based on some preliminary research we have come to the conclusion that there is a market for a well-regulated smock network that would play host to some consumers with seriously deep pockets.

7. Socke Exchange of Olde Yorke

A wee town of cobblers in upstate New York would likely appreciate this conceptual medieval exchange market. This exchange would be similar to the olympic village in a lot of ways, except set in the year 1568. A full-on resort would be based around the daily exchange, which of course exclusively involved knittings of the towne children.

8. New York State of Socks (Exchange)

I wrote and recorded the first demos of this single over two years ago, but it still hasn’t hit the light of day. My manager says he’s still shopping it around to all of the biggest agents, but he’s still looking for the best job for me. I think he’s just hitting on me. My song is a hit.

9. Socks 4 Gold

Funny story, the first time I ever realized that socks would be the ideal universal currency for all of humanity was actually because I passed one of those “Cash 4 Gold” places on Broadway and I realized ‘cash? Who the heck wants cash? They should do Socks 4 Gold instead.’ So I feel like once we establish the whole ‘socks are the new currency’ thing this could definitely turn out to be a worthy business venture.

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

 Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.

Joke Said Again, Louder

By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

Sport Clips Unveils New Slogan “Women Are Inferior”

By David Colton

CHESTERFIELD, MO — ESPN Classic played on the TV and his ears were filled with Daughtry as Aiden O’Connor sat down for his sixteenth consecutive haircut at Sport Clips.

“I just thought the whole hair store was so cool,” said O’Connor, whose locks were cut using teal safety scissors, “plus they clearly display their views on women, which really sold me.”

Aiden’s first visit to Sport Clips was no coincidence, as it comes right on the heels of the debut of the company’s new slogan.

The slogan is finally being changed from the long-celebrated “It’s good to be a guy.”

Yes, that is the actual slogan. Look it up. Right now.

Chet Strafe, self-proclaimed founder & CEO of men’s hair and also Sport Clips, said he doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.

“Look. Look at me. Look. At. Me. Let me tell you something. I invented men’s hair,” Chet said in a series of Tik Tok videos sent from his personal TopGolf Suite.

“And for that reason, there is nobody — nobody— that understands women more than me, Strafe said.

“I mean, bro, can I be serious? I want to be serious for a second. Can I be serious? I ask women all the time if they know who started this whole ‘men’s hair’ thing. Every single time, I kid you not, they mention something about my TopGolf suite.”

Sport Clips also announced Tuesday that it will no longer be hiring female employees, a move that Chet says will allow for a long-planned uptick in unprecedented pornography screenings.

UPDATE: Since debuting the new slogan, Sport Clips Inc. has acquired both GameStop and Skechers.

Chair With Wheels Easily Best Part About Mom’s Office


By David Colton

NORMAL, IL – Following several trips around the small grey building, reports confirmed Wednesday that the spinny chair in Mom’s office was easily the most entertaining part of the windowless maze of cubicles.

The reports discovered that despite the presence of a small, sad café in the lobby of the building, as well as a Ferrari calendar in Derek’s cubicle, the chair presented the most entertaining option.

“Honey, why don’t you and Derek take turns spinning each other in the chair?” says Mom, who constantly deflects questions about Derek’s status as ‘new dad.’

Derek, who says his hair loss is genetic and he can’t do anything about it, doesn’t want to spin too fast or else he may throw up.

“I don’t get what the big deal is, I get motion sickness very easily,” explains Derek, “but I’ll still have a fun time with the kiddo.”

After four hours spinning on the chair, Derek insisted we look through pictures of his old family, as well as play with his minor-league bobbleheads.

”I love these things,” says Derek, gesturing to an unnamed player from the Kane County Cougars, “The admission to the game is a little steep, but they make up for it every time with these bad boys.”

Donald Trump Appoints ’91 Buick LeSabre to Secretary of Transportation



By David Colton

WASHINGTON – After several minutes of deliberation and multiple test drives, Trump announced his pick for Secretary of Transportation Monday.

“I’m just glad I got someone to take it off my hands,” says Dale Jackson, who sold the President-Elect the vehicle, “I’m positive this is for a good cause.”

Trump, who already only has $2,000 left in the White House cabinet budget, says the pick was a personal one.

“I met this man, and he says to me, look, I’ve got a very very good deal on a very very nice car,” says Mr. Trump, “and so I say ‘look, you know, how is this for transportation?’ He told me it was very very good at transportation, and at that point I knew it was the perfect fit.”

Despite multiple attempts to explain to Trump that the position should be delegated to a person, not a car, the President-Elect insisted that the Beige ’91 LeSabre was the man for the job.

Trump announced the pick Monday morning at a press conference outside of a Denny’s.

“Look, people, it’s simple. People do not have wheels. Cars have wheels. Wheels transport you. If I appoint a man to the job, you look me dead and the eyes and tell me he’ll be able to work as quickly as a car. Exactly.”

Celery Wins 8th Consecutive Title for Least Interesting Food

By David Colton

INDIANA, USA – After months of deliberation between judges, the Vegetable Advocate Group announced Thursday that the 2019 title for least interesting food would be retained by Celery, who came out on top of a narrow race with water (ice form).

Celery representatives were thrilled to receive the honor for the eighth consecutive year, celebrating with a little ranch and maybe even some cheese whiz.

“We’re beyond honored,” said celery advocate Lint Lemming, “people are finally starting to understand that when you eat celery, you’re actually losing calories!”

Water (ice form) representatives could not be reached following the tight race, which was championed in the closing moments by celery when people realized that it really wasn’t even that good with ranch.

Water (ice form), on the other hand, goes stunningly with almost any beverage, and its only selling point in this competition was that it sort of ruins milk.

This competition was televised on the hotel menu screen of several Drury Inn & Suites across the Midwest, and received the highest ratings it has since the great tomato discrepancy of 1988.

Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist










By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.


“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”