Drunk Friend Also Bad Friend

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, SC — As it turns out, Kyle Murdoch literally lives for bottomless wells. At least, that’s what he kept repeating as he stumbled through Willie’s Sports Bar Thursday, spilling both of the vodka Redbulls he had — one in each hand.

“You should just go for her, dude,” said Kyle, identifying a woman who clearly just wanted to enjoy time with her friends, “she’s a straight smoke.”

Before belting every word to ‘Freebird’ — including a riveting, spot-on vocal rendition of the seven-minute guitar solo — Murdoch made sure he told all three friends he was with how much he loved them.

But these statements of affection quickly turned sour as the 20-year-old began to figure out his friends were slightly annoyed with him.

“Bro, you guys are being fucking cocks,” said Kyle, who has never met or asked about the family of anyone in the friend group, “I’m sick of having such shitty friends.”

“We were supposed to be brothers.”

After 20 minutes of simultaneously sulking and attempting to hit on women with his eyes, Kyle resigned to posting snap stories that objectified people he didn’t know.

At one point, Kyle was fully passed out on the bar, and it was clear he would need to be carried home. During the 30-minute walk home, Murdoch had to be supported on both sides, and fought the friends helping him the entire time.

UPDATE: This morning, Kyle asked why his friends didn’t get him laid last night.

“When I black, I like to black hard, bro. You guys are bad friends.”

Sport Clips Unveils New Slogan “Women Are Inferior”

By David Colton

CHESTERFIELD, MO — ESPN Classic played on the TV and his ears were filled with Daughtry as Aiden O’Connor sat down for his sixteenth consecutive haircut at Sport Clips.

“I just thought the whole hair store was so cool,” said O’Connor, whose locks were cut using teal safety scissors, “plus they clearly display their views on women, which really sold me.”

Aiden’s first visit to Sport Clips was no coincidence, as it comes right on the heels of the debut of the company’s new slogan.

The slogan is finally being changed from the long-celebrated “It’s good to be a guy.”

Yes, that is the actual slogan. Look it up. Right now.

Chet Strafe, self-proclaimed founder & CEO of men’s hair and also Sport Clips, said he doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.

“Look. Look at me. Look. At. Me. Let me tell you something. I invented men’s hair,” Chet said in a series of Tik Tok videos sent from his personal TopGolf Suite.

“And for that reason, there is nobody — nobody— that understands women more than me, Strafe said.

“I mean, bro, can I be serious? I want to be serious for a second. Can I be serious? I ask women all the time if they know who started this whole ‘men’s hair’ thing. Every single time, I kid you not, they mention something about my TopGolf suite.”

Sport Clips also announced Tuesday that it will no longer be hiring female employees, a move that Chet says will allow for a long-planned uptick in unprecedented pornography screenings.

UPDATE: Since debuting the new slogan, Sport Clips Inc. has acquired both GameStop and Skechers.