By David Colton
PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.
Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.
“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.
The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.
However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.
“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.
“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”
Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.
“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”
Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.
The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.