Man Disappointed, Discouraged by Henley Shirt

By David Colton

NORDSTROM RACK — Norman Fleischmann walked away empty-handed after taking a chance on his body type Friday afternoon.

Apparently, Norman was in search of a Henley shirt that inflated his pecs and ego.

“I was just expecting to look a lot more like Ryan Gosling,” said Norman, who hasn’t been to the doctor in four years, “Now I just feel like a worse, less confident version of him.”

After taking the shirt for a few test spins around the changing room hallway, Norman’s mother informed him that she could see his nipples, and that “those types of shirts are for winners and people who are in shape.”

Norman, despite his mother’s abusive words, went ahead with the purchase and wore the shirt to the local teen hangout spot Friday evening.

“People just told me I looked like a rock-bottom Johnny Depp,” said Norman, who somehow settled on all-the-way-unbuttoned as his go-to look in the shirts, “But if he was creatively infertile and didn’t have any friends.”

While it appears that Norman has at least one friend, reports on the topic have yielded mixed results.

The National Study of Norman’s Friends (NSNF) found that only three people identified themselves as friends of Norman Fleischmann, and only one of them was talking about the correct Norman Fleischmann. That is, until the researchers discovered that Norman Fleischmann himself had obtained a copy of the survey and forged a vote in the category “Friend of Norman Fleischmann.”

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.