Liberal Arts College Football Coach Doused In Kombucha After Big Game

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – Head football coach Darwin McKay took an unexpected bath in tangy, fermented kombucha Saturday as the Reed College Griffins were crowned Pacific Northwest Division III champions.

After defeating the Lewis & Clark College Pioneers 42-3 in the division championship game, the Griffins will head to the Doc Marten Leather Sole Bowl later this year in Oberlin, Ohio where they will face off against Western Washington University.

“We wanted to give coach a proper football celebration to say thanks,” Linebacker Daniel O’Cyrus said as he received his commemorative championship stick-n-poke tattoo. “Coach is really the reason we’re here. Plus, who knows when we’re going to win another game.”

“Coach is the best and deserves to be celebrated,” Quarterback Geoff Trunke said. “He’s the only member of the coaching staff who lets us listen to Elliot Smith during practice. Really pumps us up.”

McKay, now in his fourth year with the team, was only briefly able to celebrate his greatest athletic achievement to date before the massive SCOBY plummeted out of the Gatorade cooler and knocked him out cold.

More to come.

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

‘Roast Me, I Can Take It’ Says Man Who Cannot

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – What started as a pleasant birthday surprise devolved into utter chaos Wednesday night as Josh Fitzgerald, 36, celebrated his birthday. Friends and family from around the greater Portland area came to the Clackamas Applebee’s to celebrate with Josh.

Things quickly turned south as Kyle Duncan, Josh’s childhood best friend announced a surprise roast for the birthday boy.

“For years he’s been asking us to roast him at his birthday party,” Kyle told Gatekeeper reporters. “We’ve been hesitant because he starts freaking out if we mention his weird left eyebrow but this year he insisted.”

Kyle began the roast with some classic jabs at Josh’s menial job as an entry level marketing consultant. At first, Josh seemed to take the jokes well, even laughing and clapping at some of the most pointed insults.

“Yeah, it became pretty clear that the roast was a bad idea,” Josh’s roommate Corey said after. “You could see his eyes welling up with tears pretty much as soon as we started.”

As the roast went on, Josh fell silent and forced a pained grimace onto his face. As the roast concluded, Josh quickly made his way to the bathroom before re-emerging 45 minutes later.

Although Josh insists he had fun, sources inside the bathroom have confirmed he melted down into full-blown existential crisis.