‘Roast Me, I Can Take It’ Says Man Who Cannot

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – What started as a pleasant birthday surprise devolved into utter chaos Wednesday night as Josh Fitzgerald, 36, celebrated his birthday. Friends and family from around the greater Portland area came to the Clackamas Applebee’s to celebrate with Josh.

Things quickly turned south as Kyle Duncan, Josh’s childhood best friend announced a surprise roast for the birthday boy.

“For years he’s been asking us to roast him at his birthday party,” Kyle told Gatekeeper reporters. “We’ve been hesitant because he starts freaking out if we mention his weird left eyebrow but this year he insisted.”

Kyle began the roast with some classic jabs at Josh’s menial job as an entry level marketing consultant. At first, Josh seemed to take the jokes well, even laughing and clapping at some of the most pointed insults.

“Yeah, it became pretty clear that the roast was a bad idea,” Josh’s roommate Corey said after. “You could see his eyes welling up with tears pretty much as soon as we started.”

As the roast went on, Josh fell silent and forced a pained grimace onto his face. As the roast concluded, Josh quickly made his way to the bathroom before re-emerging 45 minutes later.

Although Josh insists he had fun, sources inside the bathroom have confirmed he melted down into full-blown existential crisis.

Child Fills Up on Bread

By David Colton

NORTHBROOK—A mother frustrated. A waiter tapping his pen. A father on his phone. A chaotic scene, with a cause more sinister than it appears.

10-year old Billy Stooble hadn’t eaten all day—at least, not since his breakfast of plain Eggos and Yogurt. But he’d pranced around the soccer pitch all day; he deserved to feast like a true champion.

He had specifically requested Giovanni Randazzo’s Italian Bistro, because it’s well known that Gio’s has the best mac n cheese and root beer—but what Gaylord and Helena Stooble didn’t see coming was the worst possible pre-meal preparation: a sliced baguette and a little basket of plastic butter containers.

“It was like the waiter had just set down the most valuable jewel in the Realm, and if he was the top Jewel Seeker,” said Dr. Mulligan Snots, who was seen devouring a calzone nearby.

Against his parents’ warning, the young Stooble snatched up nearly seven pieces of the sliced baguette, leaving only the “butt” and, of course, all of the “gross brown bread” for his four-year old sister.

“Yeah, that was a real ballsy move,” said Gaylord Stooble, Billy’s father, “I did not expect him to fuck Sarah over like that—I mean… that shit was cold.”

By the time the waiter returned to take the family’s order, Billy was already halfway through his second bread refill, and yet did not hesitate to be the first to blurt out his order, demanding pasta and French fries.

Helena tried to stop him, but the damage Billy had inflicted was already done—the waiter had moved on to her husband.

“Oh, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of that right then. Are you kidding me? Mac n Cheese and French fries? That’s a ridiculous amount of food. But, I like to challenge myself, and I play to win,” said Billy, who would eventually fall asleep in the car ride home.

According to Dr. Snots, it was apparent that Billy drank two full glasses of root beer using the straw, in addition to devouring eight to ten pieces of bread and six plastic butter containers, whose woeful demise was scattered across the red and white-checked tablecloth.

“That kid had no chance,” said Dr. Snots, “and trust me, this is a situation I’m familiar with in my profession. There was no way that bread was making it past the 15-minute mark.”

By the end of the night, Billy had eaten two full baguettes, two French fries and one bite of Mac n Cheese. The rest of the exquisite dish was allocated to a Styrofoam container, where it will eventually be forgotten in the back of the Stooble fridge, only to be eventually consumed by Gaylord.

Man too nervous to figure out if that’s Joan Cusack at the next table over

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By David Colton

APPLEBEE’S OF BOONVILLE– After several reports of a Cusack in the area, local middle-aged man Boris Mouth knew there was only one place they could be.

“I got the alert on my pager, and in that moment, I knew I had to go to Applebee’s,” explains Mouth, who spends the majority of his time tracking down the entire cast of ‘School of Rock’.

Mouth now sits at his table, where he is having trouble figuring out if Joan is sitting across the restaurant.

“She’s got the same signature cheekbones that Joan does, I know that, but her hair is parted a little differently than usual,” explains Mouth.

Among Boris’ Cusack-sighting team is waiter Geoff Houlihan, who says this is hardly Mouth’s first time in Applebee’s this week.

“I keep telling him that’s not her, because I don’t want him to get his hopes up,” states Houlihan, “but it actually might be her this time, I’ve got this feeling.”

According to Houlihan, Boris has come in to Applebee’s at least six times per week since he saw the guy who played Zach Mooneyham on TV.

“I’ve never seen him this inspired,” says Mouth’s wife, Vendetta, “I just hope she doesn’t try to file a restraining order like that asshole Ned Schneebly.”

Boris Mouth has remained on the hunt for the School of Rock cast for nearly three years now, and lists it as his full-time occupation on LinkedIn.

Other members of the community have called Boris “actually maybe insane,” “really weirdly tall,” and “in all honesty pretty terrifying.”

UPDATE: It wasn’t her.