Man too nervous to figure out if that’s Joan Cusack at the next table over

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By David Colton

APPLEBEE’S OF BOONVILLE– After several reports of a Cusack in the area, local middle-aged man Boris Mouth knew there was only one place they could be.

“I got the alert on my pager, and in that moment, I knew I had to go to Applebee’s,” explains Mouth, who spends the majority of his time tracking down the entire cast of ‘School of Rock’.

Mouth now sits at his table, where he is having trouble figuring out if Joan is sitting across the restaurant.

“She’s got the same signature cheekbones that Joan does, I know that, but her hair is parted a little differently than usual,” explains Mouth.

Among Boris’ Cusack-sighting team is waiter Geoff Houlihan, who says this is hardly Mouth’s first time in Applebee’s this week.

“I keep telling him that’s not her, because I don’t want him to get his hopes up,” states Houlihan, “but it actually might be her this time, I’ve got this feeling.”

According to Houlihan, Boris has come in to Applebee’s at least six times per week since he saw the guy who played Zach Mooneyham on TV.

“I’ve never seen him this inspired,” says Mouth’s wife, Vendetta, “I just hope she doesn’t try to file a restraining order like that asshole Ned Schneebly.”

Boris Mouth has remained on the hunt for the School of Rock cast for nearly three years now, and lists it as his full-time occupation on LinkedIn.

Other members of the community have called Boris “actually maybe insane,” “really weirdly tall,” and “in all honesty pretty terrifying.”

UPDATE: It wasn’t her.

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