‘Roast Me, I Can Take It’ Says Man Who Cannot

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – What started as a pleasant birthday surprise devolved into utter chaos Wednesday night as Josh Fitzgerald, 36, celebrated his birthday. Friends and family from around the greater Portland area came to the Clackamas Applebee’s to celebrate with Josh.

Things quickly turned south as Kyle Duncan, Josh’s childhood best friend announced a surprise roast for the birthday boy.

“For years he’s been asking us to roast him at his birthday party,” Kyle told Gatekeeper reporters. “We’ve been hesitant because he starts freaking out if we mention his weird left eyebrow but this year he insisted.”

Kyle began the roast with some classic jabs at Josh’s menial job as an entry level marketing consultant. At first, Josh seemed to take the jokes well, even laughing and clapping at some of the most pointed insults.

“Yeah, it became pretty clear that the roast was a bad idea,” Josh’s roommate Corey said after. “You could see his eyes welling up with tears pretty much as soon as we started.”

As the roast went on, Josh fell silent and forced a pained grimace onto his face. As the roast concluded, Josh quickly made his way to the bathroom before re-emerging 45 minutes later.

Although Josh insists he had fun, sources inside the bathroom have confirmed he melted down into full-blown existential crisis.

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