Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.

“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7th grader.

Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.

“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.

It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.

“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”

Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.

With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.

“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.

Man Interrupts Woman To Deny Interrupting Woman

By David Colton

ST. LOUIS– Dillon Cox dropped the cold, hard truth on his girlfriend Skye Monday afternoon when he stopped her critique of his social tendencies mid-sentence to shut down whatever she was about to say.

“I would never cut you off,” Dillon said, “I’m so sick of you making this all about you.”

This comes at a time when Dillon has not been wrong about anything in his entire life, especially when it comes to the ladies.

The fight initially began when Skye asked Dillon to put his plate in the dishwasher and he stopped her short, responding “What is up with you and wet ceramics?”

When asked, Skye said months of vague text fights led up to this moment.

“I just sort of looked at where this relationship was at and decided I wasn’t going to let him dictate my ceramic capabilities, no matter how right he constantly is.”

Skye admits that Dillon does, in fact, have a louder voice than she does, and said they have tested this many times in various settings.

She also said that Dillon is a good guy, and just needs a little help getting back on his feet.

“Men are so under attack these days. It almost makes me not want to have sons,” Dillon said unprompted.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over


By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening. 

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.

Incoming freshmen “Utterly Terrified” of Junior living in dorm


By Kacen Bayless

SCHURZ HALL – Earlier today, six freshmen residing on the fifth floor of Schurz Residential Hall held a meeting inside self-proclaimed cool guy Brad Butler’s dorm room. The cause of this possible coup was centered around the mysterious junior living at the end of the boys’ hallway.

“I knew Brad was the one guy we could go to with this information once I saw the amount of Ferrari posters in his room,” resident Chester Sullivan, freshman, said, his eyes wide in terror. “With everything that’s going on, we all feel safe in his room.”

The residents agree they first witnessed the junior, whose name is either Keith or Darren, on move-in day and have been terrified ever since.

“He only comes back to the floor around midnight,” pesky little guy Steven Plasken said, “It’s like he doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”

Instead of engaging in the floor’s ice-breaker activities with Residential Advisor Jason Alexander, the junior was nowhere to be seen.

“I went and knocked on his door, hoping to invite him to the ice cream social…” Sullivan said, pausing to catch his breath. “…and he wasn’t even there.”

During the ice cream social, the six gentlemen also unsuccessfully tried to coax the girls from the floor over to hall’s lounge. The 20 or so women allegedly told the boys they were planning on just staying in for the night, but were later seen socializing with the residents on floor three.

“It can’t be us that they’re afraid of,” Plasken said, his peskiness rising. “I think they’re afraid of…him.”

The junior, whose name I’m starting to think isn’t either Keith or Darren, was unavailable for comment, but the six freshmen all agreed that he’s probably out there somewhere being super mysterious.

“We don’t know why he’s here or what his plan is, but we want him gone,” Brad Butler said, speaking for the group of guys huddled behind his mini fridge. “He’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten laid in college yet.”

Dungeons club to join forces with Dragons club, forming Social Anxiety Club


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By David Colton

ERIC’S STEPDAD’S BASEMENT—In an absolutely unexpected and altogether captivating display of events, the two most underwhelming clubs at Jefferson High met on Wednesday afternoon.

“We really think this decision is for the best,” said Dungeons club president Phillip Wendel, “our guys have been wanting to meet some other people for their entire lives, really.”

The Dungeons club, which is made up of four members, was initially conceived by the mothers of the prestigious club’s four members, who have yet to see the light of day.

The Dragons club, on the other hand, has their own thing going.

“Yeah we usually just sit, drink milk, and discuss dragons,” says Dragons club president Yurt Mooney, “it’s usually pretty lit; that is, lit from the fire of a Chinese Fireball.”

The name “Social Anxiety Club” stems from each of the clubs’ deep-seated love for Percy Jackson & the Olympians fan fiction.

The meeting, which is set to take place around 3:00, is said to “maybe have some snacks, depending on Eric’s mom” and is even rumored to “have like, so much milk.”

I will not be attending this meeting.