dad – The Gatekeeper

Emotionally Stunted Teen Has Coolest Parents

July 25, 2019July 25, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Cool parents, dad, Emotions, high school, mom, parents, teenagers, TherapyLeave a comment

By Ben Gaspin

GREENWICH – Sixteen-year-old Jackson Smalls has the life most teens dream of. He has a girlfriend, a car, and access to his father’s medical marijuana card. That’s right: Jackson Smalls has the coolest parents ever.

Smalls didn’t always know his parents were cool. In fact, he thought he was the cool one. To him, they were just Mom, who taught his friend Shiera how to kiss a boy because her mom is too conservative, and Dad, who coached Jackson’s basketball team and gave the other boys pointers to improve their game, while he just told Jackson how proud of him he was.

It wasn’t until Jackson threw a party while his parents were skydiving in Malta that he realized he might not be the stud he once believed. He made the mistake of telling friends that his parents were out of town, not realizing that the main reason they loved his house was because his dad is hella funny and his mom once told the principal that she could go fuck herself.

Jackson’s girlfriend, Amanda Greene, comforts him when she can. “I’m kinda like his therapist, you know. He can never really find the words for how he’s feeling, or if he’s got any prospects in life. I want to tell him to talk to his parents because they’ll make him feel better by saying he can be president if he wants to, but also I feel like that’s a burden on Becky–oh, sorry, that’s his mom–you know?”

It is a burden for Becky, which is why Mr. and Mrs. Smalls tell their son weekly that it’s perfectly okay to talk to a therapist, even if nothing’s wrong yet, and you know what? Why don’t they just go ahead and set up an appointment for next week; he can go if he wants to or just cancel it.

Jackson has yet to see a therapist. When asked for comment, his only response was “Why would I talk about my feelings when Mortal Kombat can bury them deep inside me?”

Dad Going Over Pothole Thinks That One Sounded Expensive

July 18, 2019July 18, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Accident, anger, car, dad, expensive, money, potholeLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND – Dad’s mood shifted rapidly Wednesday night as sources inside his 1999 Toyota Sienna confirmed that he absolutely flew over that last pothole. Swearing through gritted teeth, Dad experienced a potpourri of emotions ranging from white-hot, blissful rage to rational economic concern as his minivan violently bottomed out in the middle of the street. Everyone inside the vehicle fell silent as Dad began to process his feelings with the help of his Joel Osteen audiobook.

Dad loved that car. Although it wasn’t the sleekest or sportiest model out there, it got him to work, the kids to school, and that half empty bottle of water from 2009 to every stop in between. That Toyota Sienna was a part of the family and every time he careened into a pothole, it felt as though he was punching one of his own children square in the face.

He would have to be more careful if he wanted to teach Tommy and Susana to drive in their childhood car. If the van needed repairs, he’d have to dip into the vacation fund and, while he was sorry to even think this, he would have to choose the repairs over a four day weekend in the Wisconsin Dells.

The kids kept talking. Didn’t they know that the more distracted he was, the higher the chance of going over another pothole? He knew the last one sounded expensive but to hit two in a row? On the same trip to the restaurant that was and always has been walking distance from the house? Goodbye wave pool, hello Jiffy Lube. While he didn’t mind Jiffy Lube (decent coffee), he knew the kids would much rather be at the Kalahari tropical resort in the middle of rural Wisconsin.

Dad’s Joel Osteen CD ended (disc 4 of 9) and as he momentarily shifted his glance to swap discs, the van hit a cavernous pit and shook violently. Dad knew it was the end. No more wave pool or eating chicken fingers with sopping wet, chlorinated hands. He would take the car in first thing tomorrow and restart the vacation fund as soon as possible. He fell silent as a single tear rolled down his cheek.

He had been promising to take his kids to the Dells for a year now. Unfortunately it seemed like the lord had other plans. Dad increased the volume on the Osteen CD and relaxed a bit. There was nothing he could do. It was all over.

Nation’s Dads Announce Plans to Wake Up Startled

May 18, 2019May 22, 2019Posted in NationalTagged asleep, dad, Father, nation, scare, scary, sleep, startledLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

“Huh?! I was just resting my eyes. I’ll go up to bed in a minute.”

Ghost of Late Father Sticking Around to Remind Family to Turn the Lights Off

May 2, 2019May 2, 2019Posted in LocalTagged Bills, dad, death, Electricity, Family, Father, Ghost, Ghosts, GHouls, Haunted, Lights, Off, Paranormal Activity, Pastime, Rhode Island, spookyLeave a comment

By Grace Bahler

PROVIDENCE—When local man Rick Haverson, age 52, passed away on Wednesday, his family was shocked to find his ghost roaming around the house. His screams echoed through the halls, but not like, for love or anything. TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS OFF! TURN ‘EM OFF!

“He was always so good about the electricity bill,” his wife, Mary Haverson said in between sobs. “It’s only fitting that he still cares.”

It was Rick’s favorite pastime, caring so much about the lights.

“It sort of made up for him never doing the dishes, or cooking, or cleaning before my parents came to town, or walking the dog, or driving the kids to school, you know,” Mary said.

Though Haverson’s two children, Emma and Daniel don’t feel quite as sentimental toward their late father’s tendencies.

“We literally can’t go to the washroom or step out of the living room for a snack without his ghost barging in through a wall and yelling,” Emma said. “At least when he was alive he had to walk through a door.”

Daniel shuddered as he seemed to recall an encounter with his father’s ghost.

“I was watching a movie and just went to answer the door real quick,” Daniel said. “And when I got back, he was flicking the lights on and off and asking me how he thought it would affect the electric bill. But he’s like, totally cool with us leaving the TV on all day?”

Rick’s yelling started to impact the family’s sleep and health, so now they have compromised and live in complete darkness.

Area Dad Will Pull This Car Over

January 24, 2017Posted in LocalTagged car, dad, felt, gatekeeper, milk, milkwater, mizzou, mo macsai goren, satire, waterLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND-Tensions were high this evening as Robert Scump, father of three, finally put his foot down.

“I have had it up to here,” Scump proclaimed as his children once again entered a frivolous argument about what restaurant they were going to.

“I’m tired of this bickering and so help me god, I will pull this car over,” Scump said into the rearview mirror of his swamp colored 1998 Toyota Sienna.

Scump is known for his good-natured demeanor and ability to eat an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken, so this outbreak came as a surprise to everyone.

While his three children fell silent, Scump breathed a sigh of relief before claiming that there was plenty of food in the fridge.

This seemingly motivated his children, who quickly resolved their differences and decided that The Cheesecake Factory was the restaurant of choice for the evening.

This event marks Robert Scump’s third threat to pull the car over this month and fourteenth parental threat overall.

* Others include “Only thirty minutes of computer time” and “no sleepovers” but he has yet to act on any of these.

It is safe to say that as assertive as Robert may seem, he definitely will not do anything about it ever.

Scump’s children were unavailable for comment.