Ghost of Late Father Sticking Around to Remind Family to Turn the Lights Off

By Grace Bahler

PROVIDENCE—When local man Rick Haverson, age 52, passed away on Wednesday, his family was shocked to find his ghost roaming around the house. His screams echoed through the halls, but not like, for love or anything. TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS OFF! TURN ‘EM OFF!

“He was always so good about the electricity bill,” his wife, Mary Haverson said in between sobs. “It’s only fitting that he still cares.”

It was Rick’s favorite pastime, caring so much about the lights.

“It sort of made up for him never doing the dishes, or cooking, or cleaning before my parents came to town, or walking the dog, or driving the kids to school, you know,” Mary said.

Though Haverson’s two children, Emma and Daniel don’t feel quite as sentimental toward their late father’s tendencies.

“We literally can’t go to the washroom or step out of the living room for a snack without his ghost barging in through a wall and yelling,” Emma said. “At least when he was alive he had to walk through a door.”

Daniel shuddered as he seemed to recall an encounter with his father’s ghost.

“I was watching a movie and just went to answer the door real quick,” Daniel said. “And when I got back, he was flicking the lights on and off and asking me how he thought it would affect the electric bill. But he’s like, totally cool with us leaving the TV on all day?”

Rick’s yelling started to impact the family’s sleep and health, so now they have compromised and live in complete darkness.

Shen Yun Announces Residency Fucking Everywhere

By David Colton

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.

“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.

“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”

It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.

“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.

Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”

“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”

Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.

Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?

My god. It’s happening.

Man in Cloak Commences Annual ‘Tournament of Madness’

By David Colton

DES MOINES, IA — The party room in the back corner of Bowlerama was rented out for the third and final time Thursday afternoon as local scoundrel Björbis van Snood began preparations for his fourth annual Tournament of Madness.

“Prepare yourselves, for it is I! Björbis the scoundrel, arrived once more to shepherd and extract your worst fears and most twisted nightmares in the name of advertising!” van Snood said, speaking to a small crowd comprised mainly of confused seniors and leftover kids from the 3 o’clock birthday party.

Although all the flyers say this is the competition’s third year, there seems to be little evidence to suggest anyone has ever seen or met this man, let alone agreed to participate in anything called the ‘Tournament of Madness.’

“People ask me ‘Björbis, how do you juggle all of this? I mean, you’re the curator of a massively successful tournament, you harvest your own dark yeast and you’re putting four kids through college?’” van Snood said, “I tell them ‘Hey, if Johnny Depp can do it, I can do it.’”

As patrons slowly began trickling out of the bowling alley, van Snood made it clear he and his giant interactive presentation weren’t going anywhere.

“This is just the beginning for you plebian fools,” said van Snood, standing in line to return his little bowling shoes, “Come on, guys. You have no idea what kind of effort I put into this setup. The winner gets a Dave ‘n Busters gift card!

Seriously, I have this room rented out for like, six more hours.”