Shen Yun Announces Residency Fucking Everywhere

By David Colton

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.

“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.

“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”

It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.

“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.

Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”

“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”

Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.

Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?

My god. It’s happening.

Duration Of Facetime Spent Looking At Self In Corner

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SAN DIEGO – Illuminating why exactly his mom was so angry with him, the Gatekeeper’s investigative team has found that SDSU Junior Aaron Fritz stared only at his own image during an extended, hour-long Facetime call with his mother Wednesday night.

What started as a simple plea for “food money” — although investigators say Fritz planned to spend the cash on tickets to Shen Yun: 5,000 Years Of Civilization Reborn — ended in a firm scolding as Muriel Fritz noticed her son’s lack of eye contact.

“Are you checking yourself out?” she asked her stupid, stupid little boy. “If you want money from me, you better make eye contact. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” Fritz attempted to play it off like he was looking at a new pimple, but his mother quickly reminded him that he simply cannot lie to her.

“I don’t know how she does it,” Fritz said. “No matter how I act she can always tell when I’m lying. I don’t even want to think about what she knows that she hasn’t told me.”

At this time, experts are unsure if Fritz received the money or attended the simply transcendent ballet performance.