Shen Yun Announces Residency Fucking Everywhere

By David Colton

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.

“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.

“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”

It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.

“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.

Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”

“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”

Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.

Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?

My god. It’s happening.