By David Colton
Duration Of Facetime Spent Looking At Self In Corner
By Mo Macsai-Goren
SAN DIEGO – Illuminating why exactly his mom was so angry with him, the Gatekeeper’s investigative team has found that SDSU Junior Aaron Fritz stared only at his own image during an extended, hour-long Facetime call with his mother Wednesday night.
What started as a simple plea for “food money” — although investigators say Fritz planned to spend the cash on tickets to Shen Yun: 5,000 Years Of Civilization Reborn — ended in a firm scolding as Muriel Fritz noticed her son’s lack of eye contact.
“Are you checking yourself out?” she asked her stupid, stupid little boy. “If you want money from me, you better make eye contact. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” Fritz attempted to play it off like he was looking at a new pimple, but his mother quickly reminded him that he simply cannot lie to her.
“I don’t know how she does it,” Fritz said. “No matter how I act she can always tell when I’m lying. I don’t even want to think about what she knows that she hasn’t told me.”
At this time, experts are unsure if Fritz received the money or attended the simply transcendent ballet performance.