death – The Gatekeeper

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SPRINGFIELD, IL – Mourning the loss of their beloved dog Coco, the Taylor family decided to immortalize their recently-deceased pet Saturday night by changing their Netflix password to “Coco123.”

“We’ll miss Coco dearly,” Jonathan Taylor said. “But at least now we’ll be able to remember her whenever we log into Netflix, or at least until we get around to using the ‘Remember Me’ function.”

Despite the Taylor family’s tragic loss, Coco expressed posthumous excitement to Gatekeeper reporters (via Andrew Iris Yoint, professional canine medium) that she will be able to live on forever in password form.

“Coco is relaying…enthusiasm…” Yoint said through his cacophonous pinky ring ensemble. “She wants you to know how pleased she is with your decision to commemorate her with her very own password until everyone inevitably forgets it and you change it to your address. She also wants you to know that I take credit cards.”

The Taylor family expressed profound gratitude for Yoint’s services and have already begun their search for their next password inspiration down at the local kennel.

By Grace Bahler

PROVIDENCE—When local man Rick Haverson, age 52, passed away on Wednesday, his family was shocked to find his ghost roaming around the house. His screams echoed through the halls, but not like, for love or anything. TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS OFF! TURN ‘EM OFF!

“He was always so good about the electricity bill,” his wife, Mary Haverson said in between sobs. “It’s only fitting that he still cares.”

It was Rick’s favorite pastime, caring so much about the lights.

“It sort of made up for him never doing the dishes, or cooking, or cleaning before my parents came to town, or walking the dog, or driving the kids to school, you know,” Mary said.

Though Haverson’s two children, Emma and Daniel don’t feel quite as sentimental toward their late father’s tendencies.

“We literally can’t go to the washroom or step out of the living room for a snack without his ghost barging in through a wall and yelling,” Emma said. “At least when he was alive he had to walk through a door.”

Daniel shuddered as he seemed to recall an encounter with his father’s ghost.

“I was watching a movie and just went to answer the door real quick,” Daniel said. “And when I got back, he was flicking the lights on and off and asking me how he thought it would affect the electric bill. But he’s like, totally cool with us leaving the TV on all day?”

Rick’s yelling started to impact the family’s sleep and health, so now they have compromised and live in complete darkness.

Tag: death

Dead Pet Excited to Live on Forever as Password

Ghost of Late Father Sticking Around to Remind Family to Turn the Lights Off