Annual Report Finds Dylan’s Mom Said We Could

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL— In a shock to researchers and scientists across the globe, local boy Mikey Thomas released data Thursday that could have serious implications.

“Well, it really all started when we were gonna do an air soft war,” said Thomas, who landed a role as Perchik in the Middlebury Middle School production of “Fiddler on the Roof” as a 7th grader.

Mikey says he and his two “kid friends,” Dylan Knox and Tanner Oliver, intended to travel from Mikey’s house to the Knox residence, where they would shoot plastic bullets at each other at point blank range with virtually no protection.

“It was Tanner who started acting like a pansy. He said he didn’t want to play, and that it was against the rules,” said Dylan, whose sister is a sophomore in college.

It was in this moment that 13-year-old Mikey Thomas dropped a truth bomb on Tanner.

“I just said, look, kid. These are the facts. Dylan’s mom said we could do air soft at his place no matter what,” Mikey said, “as long as we don’t tell our parents about his secret uncle.”

Tanner declined to comment on the incident, although he was sighted late Tuesday afternoon at Pinkberry with his mom.

With the weakest link effectively severed, Mikey and Dylan say they have big plans.

“We invented this game where if you lose in Fortnite the other person gets to shoot you in the face, no goggles, no blinks,” Mikey said.

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