By David Colton
NORDSTROM RACK — Norman Fleischmann walked away empty-handed after taking a chance on his body type Friday afternoon.
Apparently, Norman was in search of a Henley shirt that inflated his pecs and ego.
“I was just expecting to look a lot more like Ryan Gosling,” said Norman, who hasn’t been to the doctor in four years, “Now I just feel like a worse, less confident version of him.”
After taking the shirt for a few test spins around the changing room hallway, Norman’s mother informed him that she could see his nipples, and that “those types of shirts are for winners and people who are in shape.”
Norman, despite his mother’s abusive words, went ahead with the purchase and wore the shirt to the local teen hangout spot Friday evening.
“People just told me I looked like a rock-bottom Johnny Depp,” said Norman, who somehow settled on all-the-way-unbuttoned as his go-to look in the shirts, “But if he was creatively infertile and didn’t have any friends.”
While it appears that Norman has at least one friend, reports on the topic have yielded mixed results.
The National Study of Norman’s Friends (NSNF) found that only three people identified themselves as friends of Norman Fleischmann, and only one of them was talking about the correct Norman Fleischmann. That is, until the researchers discovered that Norman Fleischmann himself had obtained a copy of the survey and forged a vote in the category “Friend of Norman Fleischmann.”