ATLANTA – Illuminating where taxpayer dollars actually go, an incredibly weird government-funded study has found the Mucinex monster kind of cute.

In a truly bizarre 174-page document compiled by officials at the CDC in Atlanta, researchers have officially declared Mr. Mucus, the face of Mucinex’s popular antihistamine advertisements, to be “at least a seven.”

“We are completely unsure why we conducted this study,” head researcher Dr. Lloyd Shangles said. “Thanks to a generous private donation from Ted Cruz in addition to a currently unknown amount of taxpayer dollars, we were able to pour way too much time into this.

The entire report has yet to be released to the general public, but many confused Mucinex patrons have expressed concern for what the full report might disclose.

“Yeah, it was starting to get really intense before everything was redacted,” an anonymous source said. “I live in constant fear that this fucking batshit report is going to describe the Mucinex monster’s horrific body in more detail than it already has. Please, make it stop.”

The full report is expected to be available soon solely via the Barnes & Noble Nook in-line store.

God help us all.