By David Colton
DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.
David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:
“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”
When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.
“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”
But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.
After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.
“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”
Kelsey was 24.