Real news. Kind of.
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Uh oh! You, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, completely forgot to learn your Torah portion and your bar mitzvah is this Saturday! Can you memorize the whole thing before you step up onto the bimah?
https://www.tryinteract.com/share/quiz/5cc921eea8aa5c0014604b97
By Mo Macsai-Goren
Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson started Election Day off in classic Gary Johnson style: by sleeping through his alarm.
Candidate Johnson held a press conference as he hastily put on his pants and made one brief statement to the media.
“Oh man, oh man. That was today?”
The Johnson campaign has declined further questions.
By David Colton
AMERICA, DAMN IT – In a recent survey across the country, studies determined that a questionable amount of red states have family restaurant and obesity perpetuator Long John Silvers listed as their polling places.
“It’s actually really convenient, because Tuesdays they have Fish Stick Frenzy,” explains voter and serious Paula Deen advocate Faith Destiny, “They just deep fry the ballot right there into the fish!”
Unsurprisingly, this has increased voter turnout tenfold in Minnesota and Wisconsin, among many other confused states.
Reports also showed an increase in Starbucks as polling places in blue states, where voters are given a free vest upon entry.
“Honestly, thank god they still serve the pumpkin spice latte even after Halloween is over,” explains drama student and turtleneck connesoure Philip Willoughby, “It makes it quite easy to choose who I’m voting for while convincing myself and everyone else I’m getting work done on my laptop.”
Both polling places are also handing out free bus tickets to Canada, as well as several pamphlets on space travel.
By David Colton
WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.
“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”
Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.
“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”
Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.
“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”
No information was gained from this interview.
The Gatekeeper 