Quiz: You’re Multilingual Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Can You Learn Your Torah Portion By Saturday?

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Uh oh! You, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, completely forgot to learn your Torah portion and your bar mitzvah is this Saturday! Can you memorize the whole thing before you step up onto the bimah?


Existential Crisis Put on Hold For Spring Break

By Dovis Macson-Coltai

CANCUN – Hopelessly trying to make beer pong shots before the nihilistic dread from last week came rushing back in, University of Arizona senior Tyler Cuncke reminded himself that this week was about having fun.

“I just knew that in order to be officially considered a naturalized American citizen, I had to learn to crush brews,” said Cuncke, who was interviewed as practice for a potential PR internship, “It’s all about reaching out, touching base and putting our heads together.”

The fifth-year junior and all-around fraternity legend had previously decided to put his ongoing existential crisis on pause to enjoy the cornucopia of pleasurable sin that spring break in Cancun had in store.

“Instead of thinking about my lack of job prospects or the fact that I’m costing my parents a hundred thousand extra dollars so I can finish Intro to Ceramics, I just think about Fireball,” Cunke said.

“Who needs future plans when I have a Tapout shirt and enough tequila in me to enjoy Pitbull?”

Mr. Worldwide, although he wasn’t there physically, was sure to attend the conference in spirit, speaking via WhatsApp on behalf of every single person with a calf/forearm tattoo.

“Follow the ink, baby,” said Pitbull, speaking from an Oakley Enthusiast group meeting in Reno, “It’s all about those mid-muscle portrayals, you know what I’m saying?”

Various staff members at the all-inclusive beachside resort Cunke and his cohorts decided they would ruin this week, and reported seeing him weeping over the continental breakfast before composing himself, unbuttoning his entire shirt, and pounding Bud Light Lime(s).