Graduating Senior Excited to Finally Fulfill Hurtful Superlative

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO — The very same day Sarah Fondant joined her sorority, she knew she would be making wonderful, lasting memories with a wonderful group of people.

The past four years haven’t been easy for Sarah, who was only able to secure a few close friends despite constantly being forced to attend group events. However, she said she’s finally ready to fulfill her destiny.

“They voted me ‘most likely to become second-in-command at a midsized corporation,’” said Sarah Fondant, president of the university’s Economics society, “What is this, fucking J.D. Power & Associates?”

Sarah said she actually loves J.D. Power & Associates even though it’s unclear who they are and what they do, and she said she’s ready to give professional life a shot. She said she was surprised to win the award, and expected it to go to her colleague Heather.

Heather finished second in votes for this category, but she did receive the coveted “Most Likely to Invent a New Type of Cheese Puff” award, which has gone to super-senior Wanda Thumb for three straight years.

This year, Wanda finally backed out of the competition, admitting that she’s actually 38.