Ugly Man Fired

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

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