Too Soon? Dad Already Set Up Four Plastic Chairs for the Fourth of July Parade

By David Colton

EVANSTON, IL — Breaking a years-long tradition and sipping coffee from a mug he walked two miles from home with, local father Tom Hertlemann was undeterred in preparing for this year’s Independence Day celebration.

According to sources close to the matter, Tom heard that the Fultons were going to make an attempt at setting out their chairs a couple of days early — the only problem is, the two family-friends aim for the same plot of streetside grass every year.

“I came out here bright and early just to make sure we get the best seats in the house, said Tom Hertlemann, who missed his son’s high school graduation to attend the NBA Finals. “I can’t wait to get out here, sit down and complain about every unfamiliar group I see in the parade.”

While it appeared that Tom was setting up chairs for his family, sources who know him better than anyone say those chairs were for anyone but his family.

“Oh yeah, I have no doubt in my mind that he set those chairs up in case any of the starting five of the 1996 Chicago Bulls ever respond to his weekly letters,” said Helen Hertlemann, Tom’s wife and the undisputed breadwinner of the family, “He’s been trying to get them to this parade for years.”

While it is unclear who will occupy these seats come Thursday, there are rumors floating around that Steve Kerr might actually show.

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