Too Soon? Dad Already Set Up Four Plastic Chairs for the Fourth of July Parade

By David Colton

EVANSTON, IL — Breaking a years-long tradition and sipping coffee from a mug he walked two miles from home with, local father Tom Hertlemann was undeterred in preparing for this year’s Independence Day celebration.

According to sources close to the matter, Tom heard that the Fultons were going to make an attempt at setting out their chairs a couple of days early — the only problem is, the two family-friends aim for the same plot of streetside grass every year.

“I came out here bright and early just to make sure we get the best seats in the house, said Tom Hertlemann, who missed his son’s high school graduation to attend the NBA Finals. “I can’t wait to get out here, sit down and complain about every unfamiliar group I see in the parade.”

While it appeared that Tom was setting up chairs for his family, sources who know him better than anyone say those chairs were for anyone but his family.

“Oh yeah, I have no doubt in my mind that he set those chairs up in case any of the starting five of the 1996 Chicago Bulls ever respond to his weekly letters,” said Helen Hertlemann, Tom’s wife and the undisputed breadwinner of the family, “He’s been trying to get them to this parade for years.”

While it is unclear who will occupy these seats come Thursday, there are rumors floating around that Steve Kerr might actually show.

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

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Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.