Chuck Schumer Delicately Places Contacts ¾ Of The Way Down Eyelids

By David Colton

CAPITOL HILL— Trying to showcase his ambitious, flirty side, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer decided Friday it was time to break with years of tradition.

Schumer, in the presence of a small crowd of awestruck librarians, gently undid the padlocks and removed the signature wire-rimmed glasses from his Nose Divot (patent pending).

Then, after returning his oculars to their Fuschsia velvet sheath, Schumer did the unthinkable.

He reached into his briefcase, extracted two loose contact lenses, and scampered off to the Minority Bathroom. It is unclear when the restrooms were labeled.

When he returned, he was almost unrecognizable.

Except, that is, for the signature eyewear placement that has given Schumer his shot at the big leagues.

The condescending 67-year-old made it abundantly clear that he still intended to glare disappointedly at colleagues over the rim of his contact lenses, which now lie perched ¾ of the way down his lids.

It remains unclear whether the glasses were uncomfortable for Sen. Schumer. Although, I suppose they probably were, since he took them off. But actually, the outer-eye contacts don’t look super comfortable either. I wonder if you could make glasses by threading fishing line through small holes in the contact lens. It’d probably be a little uncomfortable, but you could totally be wearing glasses and nobody would know. Except for the person who helped you make the glasses, because I assume it’s probably a two-person job.

Who are we talking about again?