Outraged Joe Biden Threatens to Kick Own Ass in Locker Room

By David Colton

DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.

The former VP famously threatened to “beat the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.

“I just hope the American voter base holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,” said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.

Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.

He said he won’t hold back against himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton practice.

“I think the American people deserve a president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in 1975.

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