“Casual Stoner” Buys Blowtorch

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IOWA ­– It happened on an average Friday afternoon.

Local part-time haberdasher and father of a 17-year-old dog Jonathan Trunks was just making his standard rounds at the half-sized Target where goes when he leaves his house/office the one time per week he has to buy groceries — when something peculiar caught his eye.

Jonathan has been a self-proclaimed casual marijuana user for almost ten years now.

“I smoke at night, and sometimes in the morning if I feel like it, but that’s pretty much only on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays,” said Jonathan Trunks, who paid $45 to create a custom marijuana leaf Overwatch skin.

Jonathan said something awoke from deep inside of him at the half-sized target Friday when he wheeled his cart past the kerosene & gas aisle.

Target Associate Team Member Sue Whittle said she saw a spark in Jonathan’s eyes when he saw the blowtorch section — a spark that she knew would eventually grow into a fire hot enough to heat a nail on a dab rig.

“I’m probably only going to buy like, a small rig so that I can keep myself in check,” said Jonathan, whose parents do his laundry, “I hear reclaim dabs are insanely dope.”

Report Finds Nation’s Edible Consumers Not Feeling Anything Yet

By Mo Macsai-Goren

DENVER – Insisting that the previous dose could not possibly be high enough, a new study has revealed that the Nation’s edible consumers are still not feeling anything yet.

According to the report, these stupid chocolates were supposed to kick in like, 30 minutes ago. In order to combat the delayed psychoactive results, consumers are advised to just go ahead and eat the rest of them.

“It’s only weed, right? What could go wrong?” Every single edible consumer asked before downing the rest of the included doses and even weirdly licking the package, as if that would help.

The report goes on to detail different activities to do while you wait such as completely forgetting about the edibles and diving head first into a political debate with your uncle.

The Nation’s edible consumers went on to amend the report by insisting that they be taken to the hospital immediately, citing the feeling of their heartbeat in their eyelids, genuinely forgetting that inhaling is a vital component of breathing, and their sudden tolerance for the 2007 smash hit “Waterhouse: Legend of the Deep.”