Dab Pen Entirely Recalibrates Trip to Grocery Store

By David Colton

TRADER JOE’S — Tony Whett had just run out of groceries. Normally, he would’ve just strolled down to the supermarket two blocks away and not thought anything of it.

But with Tony’s new, state-of-the-art dab pen, he can get ‘absolutely ripped’ in four seconds.

“I made sure to get a base with 15 heat settings, that way I can really control how many hits I take,” said Tony Whett, whose home is just a complete mess, “It doesn’t even matter though, because Trader Joe’s lets you rip clouds anywhere.”

Sources confirmed Saturday that when he arrived at the store, Tony refused to enter until the automatic sliding door stopped ‘moving too fast.’ He eventually made it inside, but not before convincing someone’s child that the door was being controlled by a dark warlock.

Tracy Pollack, GM of this Trader Joe’s, said she didn’t even think about getting rid of Tony.

“Yes, we were aware that Tony Whett was inconsolably high,” said Tracy, “We were also aware that he had the capacity to spend $300 on snacks alone. I wasn’t going to throw the kid out — he was scared of the granola.”

Eventually, Tony amassed a collection of one bag of all-natural gummy worms and one bag of pre-cooked popcorn before declaring his basket too heavy and making a beeline for the self-checkout.

When he realized there was no self-checkout at Trader Joe’s because they pride themselves on friendly customer service, Tony dropped his basket on the ground and walked out very, very slowly.

He is hosting a dinner party this evening.

“Casual Stoner” Buys Blowtorch

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IOWA ­– It happened on an average Friday afternoon.

Local part-time haberdasher and father of a 17-year-old dog Jonathan Trunks was just making his standard rounds at the half-sized Target where goes when he leaves his house/office the one time per week he has to buy groceries — when something peculiar caught his eye.

Jonathan has been a self-proclaimed casual marijuana user for almost ten years now.

“I smoke at night, and sometimes in the morning if I feel like it, but that’s pretty much only on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays,” said Jonathan Trunks, who paid $45 to create a custom marijuana leaf Overwatch skin.

Jonathan said something awoke from deep inside of him at the half-sized target Friday when he wheeled his cart past the kerosene & gas aisle.

Target Associate Team Member Sue Whittle said she saw a spark in Jonathan’s eyes when he saw the blowtorch section — a spark that she knew would eventually grow into a fire hot enough to heat a nail on a dab rig.

“I’m probably only going to buy like, a small rig so that I can keep myself in check,” said Jonathan, whose parents do his laundry, “I hear reclaim dabs are insanely dope.”