By David Colton
TRADER JOE’S — Tony Whett had just run out of groceries. Normally, he would’ve just strolled down to the supermarket two blocks away and not thought anything of it.
But with Tony’s new, state-of-the-art dab pen, he can get ‘absolutely ripped’ in four seconds.
“I made sure to get a base with 15 heat settings, that way I can really control how many hits I take,” said Tony Whett, whose home is just a complete mess, “It doesn’t even matter though, because Trader Joe’s lets you rip clouds anywhere.”
Sources confirmed Saturday that when he arrived at the store, Tony refused to enter until the automatic sliding door stopped ‘moving too fast.’ He eventually made it inside, but not before convincing someone’s child that the door was being controlled by a dark warlock.
Tracy Pollack, GM of this Trader Joe’s, said she didn’t even think about getting rid of Tony.
“Yes, we were aware that Tony Whett was inconsolably high,” said Tracy, “We were also aware that he had the capacity to spend $300 on snacks alone. I wasn’t going to throw the kid out — he was scared of the granola.”
Eventually, Tony amassed a collection of one bag of all-natural gummy worms and one bag of pre-cooked popcorn before declaring his basket too heavy and making a beeline for the self-checkout.
When he realized there was no self-checkout at Trader Joe’s because they pride themselves on friendly customer service, Tony dropped his basket on the ground and walked out very, very slowly.
He is hosting a dinner party this evening.
The Gatekeeper 