Hey, Have You Heard? These Hats Make You Look Like You Have Hair

By David Colton

MILWAUKEE — Hey, you! Yeah, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. The guy in the gamer chair with Bugles on his fingers and his gut dangling below his for-some-reason-form-fitting t-shirt.

This is an announcement for you! Well, you and newspaper boys from 1930s and before.

According to a study that focused almost exclusively on fans of J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin, there is a population of about 5.8 million 30-something white men who are in need of solace from the mortal challenge of hair loss.

“I find a curious absence of R.R. in my name,” said Thomas Doberman, who works from home as a GameFuel brand ambassador.

“All of that was solved by these ingenius follicle simulators.”

Although it’s unclear if Thomas R.R. Doberman thinks these hats literally regenerate hair, it’s pretty fair to say that he probably thinks the tweed fabric looks like normal hair. Poor guy.

The study was conducted in EB Games stores across the country — which we were forced to type  at wand-point instead of Gamestop, which when you really look at it has begun to  sort of dominate the video game storefront busine—

UPDATE: EB Games is doing very well and will continue serving its loyal customers forever.

Guy with man bun and beard definitely wears jeans even when it’s hot out


By David Colton

ROSE MUSIC HALL – Sources this week confirmed that one guy you saw at the Joy Division cover band’s show has little to no feeling in his legs, and is unopposed to wearing jeans outside in mid-August.

The man, whose man-bun and beard are both clear indicators of someone who still listens to Hozier, had a few choice words about the allegations:

“Nah, man, jeans? Do they still make those?” said the guy, taking drags of 3 different blends of American Spirits at the same time, “Oh, you’re talking about these privileged leg wraps? No, these aren’t denim.”

The man, who lost all feeling in his legs after a run-in with a typewriter (for some reason) says he doesn’t like to discriminate against “leg wraps.”

“Yeah, at this point, I don’t really like to hate on any one kind of leg wrap, just because there are so many,” explains the guy, “You’ve got everything from beige half-legs to waist-high socks, or a personal favorite of mine, the tunic.”

After declining to explain his comments on the nature of his coffee-shop-junkie look several times, the guy was spotted in the front row at the opener for the opener for Neutral Milk Hotel, and yes, he was wearing jeans.