By David Colton

MILWAUKEE — Hey, you! Yeah, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. The guy in the gamer chair with Bugles on his fingers and his gut dangling below his for-some-reason-form-fitting t-shirt.

This is an announcement for you! Well, you and newspaper boys from 1930s and before.

According to a study that focused almost exclusively on fans of J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin, there is a population of about 5.8 million 30-something white men who are in need of solace from the mortal challenge of hair loss.

“I find a curious absence of R.R. in my name,” said Thomas Doberman, who works from home as a GameFuel brand ambassador.

“All of that was solved by these ingenius follicle simulators.”

Although it’s unclear if Thomas R.R. Doberman thinks these hats literally regenerate hair, it’s pretty fair to say that he probably thinks the tweed fabric looks like normal hair. Poor guy.

The study was conducted in EB Games stores across the country — which we were forced to type  at wand-point instead of Gamestop, which when you really look at it has begun to  sort of dominate the video game storefront busine—

UPDATE: EB Games is doing very well and will continue serving its loyal customers forever.