Centaur Found Cut in Half, Totally Fine

By David Colton

UNCHANTED FOREST — Local man and horse Hoof Johnson was found on the ground late Thursday morning, following what he described as an excruciating and liberating experience.

He says he continues to live his life as both a man and a horse, and hopes to keep pursuing his dreams of being an English teacher.

“So many people used to say “Centaurs can’t teach English, they all talk in Shakespearian lore,” said Hoof, who is now considering switching names with his horse half, Johnson, “But now I’m just a dude.”

Johnson said his immediate plans include showing up to teach English with no lesson plan and several movies as his backup.

“It’s time people heard the lost call of my people,” said Hoof, “Firenze is not the only goddamn  centaur.”

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