Desperate Man Keeps Spilling Coffee on Women in Hopes of a Meet-Cute

By Grace Bahler

ST. LOUIS—After watching Notting Hill last Thursday night, local man Dennis Arcado has spilled coffee on approximately 23 women in hopes of a meet-cute.

When Arcado saw how well this worked for Hugh Grant, he first considered trying a British accent—until he realized he could support local coffee shops in the process.

All he wanted was someone to realize they enjoy scalding hot coffee on their skin and that he could be the love of their life. However, women in the area have reported how Arcado’s plan disastrously panned out.

“I was waiting for the bus,” Lauren Pecoe, area woman said. “All of the sudden, this man comes up to me, stares at me for a few seconds, and then just tosses his coffee onto me.”

Pecoe later stated that had Arcado poured the coffee more tastefully, she might have considered giving him her number.

“It was just so awkward,” Pecoe said. “Like, if you’re gonna pour coffee on me and make me fall in love with you, make it look natural. The way Dennis did it, he didn’t stand a chance.”

Another woman, Jenny Wells, simply didn’t think St. Louis was the right place for him to pull such a move.

“Maybe it would fly if this was New York or something,” Wells said. “Or London. Oh
yeah, if he had, like, a British accent. Maybe then.”

At this time, Arcado has not given up on love, but he is banned from any cafe within a 25-mile radius of the city.

Instagram Poll Voted on in Attempt to Skip Past Instagram Poll

By Mo Macsai-Goren

BOULDER – Catapulting himself into an instant panic, local teenager Lucas Marriott accidentally voted on his crush’s Instagram poll as he purposefully attempted to skip past it.

“Oh, god, what have I done,” Marriott said before frantically googling ‘Can you undo a vote on Instagram story polls.’ “Should I deactivate my account?”

The Instagram poll in question had only been up for three minutes when Marriott accidentally voted ‘Yes but in red’ on her story featuring yesterdays lunch.

Although his initial strategy was to skip past the story, Marriott has since expressed that his preferred selection was ‘yes.’

Marriott suspects this catastrophe was brought about by the polls positioning on the right-hand side of the screen, where viewers can swipe to skip Instagram stories from people they forgot existed until this very moment.