By Mo Macsai-Goren
CLEVELAND – Sealing their bond as brothers for life, four white supremacist inmates at the Cleveland House of Corrections announced their plans to share the same pair of baggy light wash genes during their first summer after being released.
Shaun Crade, Tyler Dune, Stephen Michel Wills, and Rex Massey, four card-carrying members of the Aryan Brotherhood, have expressed relief that their new system of sharing pants will ease the transition from solitary to society.
“The pants fit us all extremely well,” Dune said. “It’s up to us to decorate them and then send them on. Personally? I’m thinking about bedazzling the Insane Clown Posse onto the legs.” Dune, currently serving 12 years for a double homicide, plans to move to Toledo to pursue his passion of being seen in a waterpark bathroom fulltime.
“These guys are my brothers,” Massey said as he cracked open a SlimJim. “I just want them to know how much I love them when we’re all out in the real world.” Massey is being released into a house arrest program in Tallahassee, where his neighbors will definitely be members of the Aryan Brotherhood, as well.
Shaun Crade expressed how his interest in the peaked when he realized how well they would compliment his wiry goatee and his tattoos of quotes misattributed to Adolf Hitler. Crade already has a job offer to be a stunt double for Ron Pearlman’s next film.
Wills was unavailable for comment. He had been killed. More to come.