Nation’s flags to remain at half-mast for remainder of 2016


By David Colton

WASHINGTON, DC – As the American people continue to recover from yet another terrorist attack on a different country, an important executive order has made its way down the ranks.

The order requested that all flags be left at half mast for the rest of 2016, due to ‘cautionary reasons.’

Congressman Derek Waters (R- MO) had some choice words about the new law, which is to go into effect immediately.

“It’s honestly the most we can do at this point,” explains Waters, “except continuing to extend our thoughts and prayers, of course.”

The law was implemented after several other countries experienced large-scale attacks.

“Other countries don’t seem to care about what mast their flag is at, and that’s really disrespectful to me as someone who likes to make up rules about flags,” states Waters, “honestly the only reason we haven’t been attacked recently is because the terrorists are like, ‘damn, these guys know how to raise a flag right,’ so they’re scared.”

In other news, don’t expect your father to stop asking you every day why the flag is at half-mast, and don’t expect you’ll be able to give him any answer other than “Jimmy Carter?”