Study Finds Pizza Hut Express Leading Cause Of Diarrhea In Me Right Now


DALLAS – Researchers hired by Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport are investigating a truly horrific case of gastrointestinal stress brought about by the domestic terminal’s Pizza Hut Express and their coveted 2-for-1 deal.

Originally hired to do an end-of-year strategic marketing survey, the team of researchers was redirected once authorities began receiving anonymous tips that the famous pizza chain was causing customers to rush to the restroom at alarming rates.

“I had chicken alfredo pizza in a bread bowl and now I’m going to miss my flight,” one source said through a bathroom stall. “I should’ve said no to the dessert pizza, but it was free with the 2-for-1 deal.”

As a regular of the DFW Pizza Hut Express, I was personally shocked to hear the results of this study. Never before had I felt the kind of intestinal strain described by the customers quoted in the study. At approximately 11,000 calories, my meals usually left me refreshed and refuel––

Editor’s Note: The author of this piece had to rush to the bathroom before publishing this. Given the importance of this issue, the editorial team here at The Backdoor has decided to publish it as is.

Papa John loses custody battle


By Lars Gills

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN- “Papa” John Schnatter received some devastating news this weekend. As the CEO of the popular pizza chain Papa John’s left an LA county courthouse, he was visibly distraught. His attorney, conveniently named Lyle Crust, addressed the media this morning.

“My client was informed Tuesday that he would not be allowed custody or visitation rights of his three children” Crust told reporters. This news comes after the pizza giant’s split with wife Annette last October. Sources close to the family have speculated that the split was over Schnatter’s alleged affair with Lisa Malnati, Daughter of Chicago deep-dish king Lou.

Just over an hour ago, Papa John’s released a statement via Facebook that reads as follows: “We are deeply saddened by the news about John’s family. In order to stay true to our customers, we will be rebranding our company, starting with our slogan: “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. John’s”. There is no word yet as to if the Chain will drop the “Papa” to respect Schnatter’s deteriorating familial situation.