By ANONYMOUS

DALLAS – Researchers hired by Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport are investigating a truly horrific case of gastrointestinal stress brought about by the domestic terminal’s Pizza Hut Express and their coveted 2-for-1 deal.

Originally hired to do an end-of-year strategic marketing survey, the team of researchers was redirected once authorities began receiving anonymous tips that the famous pizza chain was causing customers to rush to the restroom at alarming rates.

“I had chicken alfredo pizza in a bread bowl and now I’m going to miss my flight,” one source said through a bathroom stall. “I should’ve said no to the dessert pizza, but it was free with the 2-for-1 deal.”

As a regular of the DFW Pizza Hut Express, I was personally shocked to hear the results of this study. Never before had I felt the kind of intestinal strain described by the customers quoted in the study. At approximately 11,000 calories, my meals usually left me refreshed and refuel––

Editor’s Note: The author of this piece had to rush to the bathroom before publishing this. Given the importance of this issue, the editorial team here at The Backdoor has decided to publish it as is.