By David Colton

CONCERT WITH INSTRUMENTS – After being asked to play at every State School in the country, computer-touchers and frat stars The Chainsmokers retired from music Monday following a harrowing encounter with a grand piano.

“We were walking into our green room, which was filled with molly and bitches,” explains Andrew Toggart, who makes up half of the duo, “when we walked in, there was this huge black thing just looking us dead in the face.”

That “black thing,” of course, turned out to be a grand piano, which neither of the duo had apparently heard of.

“I won’t lie, I’ve never been so horrified in my entire life,” says Alex Pall, whose name is comically similar to his counterpart’s, “It just sat there and taunted us… it was some sort of hypersophisticated technology neither of us had ever seen before.”

After encountering the grand piano, which has asked to remain anonymous, the duo fled in Scooby-Doo like fashion.

The DJ’s, who probably met at a tailgate, have been touching computers since 2010, when their track #SELFIE, which was just horrible, was released.

In other news, this is a real quote from Alex Pall from an interview with Billboard. Yes, this is actually a real thing:

“Even before success, pussy was number one… Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

These “frat bro-dudes,” who have their actual penis sizes advertised on their website, have been near the top of the charts for a long, long time. Way to go, America.