By David Colton

BARRY ODOM’S SAD EYES– In developing news, the University of Missouri football team has announced that they will give up following Saturday’s loss to Georgia.

“We keep trying to play football, and it keeps not working,” explains J’mon Moore, whose hands are made of liquid, “it seems like the world is just working against us.”

After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss, head coach Barry Odom brought the team into the locker room for some choice words.

The following is an excerpt from Odom’s speech:

“Alright guys, I’m not gonna lie to you, I would much rather just give up and go get some Taco Bell. I mean, if anyone objects, please do, but clearly this whole ‘football’ deal isn’t our thing.”

Mizzou held the lead for the vast majority of the game, but lost it with 1:50 left. Then, redshirt freshman Drew Lock threw a beautiful pass to J’mon Moore, who was distracted by a passing pigeon and fumbled the ball.

The loss is just one of many for the team this year, but is hardly the most tragic.

“I think we were all pretty shaken up when T-Bell got rid of the Beefy Crunch Burrito,” explains offensive lineman Darby Hent, “this sucks too though.”