By Garrett Dvorkin & David Colton

NEWARK — Breaking news out of the Silly String headquarters this morning. Silly String CEO Jonathan String, known as ‘Johnny S.’ to his employees, revolutionized the string market for the foreseeable future with the unveiling of his company’s newest product. Silly String ltd. has had a strangle hold on the youth string market for decades, and invested millions of dollars to finally break into the adult string market.

The new product which may only be sold to those 18 years or older has many very excited. Karen Baeless, a real life college student from ITT tech was particularly interested. When asked about why he wanted the companies new string he exclaimed, “I loved silly string growing up, but when I turned about 16 I felt ridiculous playing with this children’s toy. This new serious string, whatever it does, will let me play with string again and not feel judged.”

Although no one is particularly sure what the new product does, Silly String’s stock prices surged today. The company opened at 4 cans of silly string per share, shares are now worth around 6 spools of serious string. At the unveiling, CEO String ended his speech “You will tell your children where you were when you first heard about serious string.”