BREAK ROOM – Damn it, Corey! I’m sick of your stinky little ham cutlets defiling the sanctity of the break room. People eat in here for Christ’s sake.
Do you know how hard it is to eat my parfaits in here with the pungent, noxious stench of your tepid Boar’s Head assaulting my nostrils? Get it together man.
Everyone’s been talking about your malodorous meats that’ve been out since yesterday morning. There’s even talk about getting HR involved. Put them in the fridge like a big boy dammit!
By David Colton
SOMEWHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO BE—After several walk-by’s confirmed that you do not, in fact, know that guy sitting at the end of the table, sources confirmed Thursday that he knows most things about you, including your middle name and major.
“Jason, isn’t it?” said the guy, who wore a t-shirt and acid wash jeans to Thanksgiving, “Jason Delores Young, you’ve really grown since the last time I saw you!”
This “last time” has remained ambiguous throughout the entire day, as has this man’s connection to the family.
“Yeah, I think we’re all kinda too scared to ask,” said Aunt Trudy, “He said he was uncle Henry’s kid… do we have an uncle Henry?”
UPDATE (9:30 pm) After several hours of deliberation, the family has determined that this man is not related to anyone, and is going to be the last person to leave your cousins’ house.